I went through a crazy transformation in the past few weeks. I have been harboring a ton of resentment towards my Husband for years for shit he did when we first got together, and some other stuff he did over the years involving other women. I am a jealous, possessive person, so other chicks are not cool with me. I’m not like so bad that he can’t have gals as friends, but he can under no circumstances hang out with them alone like for lunch, drinks, etc. I think that is pretty normal. And its the same for him with me. A few years ago I got close to one of my Husband’s acquaintances, and we started doing some photography & art together, and we got together for dinner and drinks occasionally when Nathan would be working late. Sounds pretty messed up, right? Well, I was kinda trying to get back at Nathan for doing that same kind of stuff. I thought, if he thinks it is so normal for him to hang out with chicks, lets see how he likes it when I hang out with guys. Well, of course, because I am a nympho, I really can’t be close friends with a guy without flirting and tons of sexual innuendo flying around. It was just totally inappropriate for us to be flirting at bars together, me being married and all.
I really took the “get back at Nathan” thing way too far. It got to the point where people thought Nathan and I split up and that I was with this new guy. I had a few spies, some of Nathan’s co-workers and buddies that would give me dirty looks and shake their head at me when they saw me out with him. I knew it was wrong. I was actually really enjoying being “wrong”, though. I had been going through such a possessive “stay away from my man!!” stage for the first 3 years of our marriage, so this was me kinda saying Fuck you to Nathan and all those other girls for taking so much of my energy. I knew I was being an asshole, and it was fun. But playing with fire always ends badly. I was beginning to lose touch with Nathan, and I started actually having this other guy be my real priority. When the other guy started seeing how deep it was getting, he just told me we couldn’t hang out anymore because he didn’t want to be “that” guy to his friend. Plus, Nathan found some emails we wrote to eachother that were all flirty, and he got fucking pissed off. I stopped talking to him very abruptly, and always worried about running into him around town. Nathan hates his guts now, naturally. I haven’t spoken to him since 2008, and its like it never happened or something, because Nathan gets over shit. I have been so jealous of him for being so good about moving past painful events in his life. I guess because of a mixture of being a Woman, Irish, and from a hot-headed family, I don’t get over stuff easily. I get really really obsessive when someone hurts my feelings, betrays me, lies to me, cheats, etc.
The normal thing would have been for me to lose all of my feelings of jealousy about Nathan’s side chicks after I put him through that. That was my objective, but I failed. I guess I got a little bit of satisfaction about hurting him the same way he hurt me, but I feel like the biggest loser in the picture. Because I broke up a friendship, and made the other guy totally hated by Nathan. Plus, it honestly was a blow to my ego when the other guy kinda chastised me for getting in too deep with him. It made me feel so stupid that he was looking out for Nathan more than I was. So sad, really. I was like an empty bucket using an outsider to fill me up, while manipulating my Husband’s emotions. Luckily nothing ever got physical. That would have made things so much more pathetic on my end.
So instead of gaining an even ground with Nathan, I just felt more guilty and stupid. The whole thing should have never happened. And in some sick way, I have been literally holding a grudge against him since the first chick incident went down 7 years ago, up until about a week ago. Its like everything just made perfect sense for me. I suddenly understand what forgiveness means, and how when you hold a grudge you are really just hurting yourself (and everyone around you). I felt a lifting of my resentment, and a cracking opening of my shell this past week. I had no idea how bad it was making me. I snap at Nathan a lot for no reason, randomly throughout the week. I thought it was stress from being a Mom, but it wasn’t. Its really just this bullshit that I have been holding on to against him. My firm grasp around my heart was keeping it from pumping properly for him. I guess I was trying to protect myself, but all it has done is waste precious time that I could have been loving, laughing, licking, fucking, and playing with my Husband. I mean, its not like we’ve been totally miserable, we made two babies and have had tons of awesome times but that pesky attitude problem of mine towards him started after that girl, got worse with the second, horribly horrible with the third, etc. My anger has been eating me and him alive. I realized today that what really contributed to my anger the most was all the blows to my ego I went through with these other girls taking away my spotlight. I just felt so inferior to them, and ugly, and dumb, etc. no matter how much he would tell me otherwise. It has been a huge problem for our sex life. I think because I had all this anger always eating away at me, I just wasn’t very approachable. So for years, I have been pissed off at him for not making moves on me more often. But now that I finally let it go, I can see why he didn’t feel welcome into my personal space. He kind of let the ball stay in my court most of the time, and I really don’t blame him. When I approached him for sex, he always got very excited and looked relieved that I invited him into me.
It almost feels like I have been pregnant with pain for 6 years, just busting at the seams. I gave birth to this giant resentment baby this morning actually. It has been trying to be born for so long, I guess it couldn’t take it anymore. I felt all of the anger towards him lift off of me and fly away. Then I proceeded to fuck him all day long. It felt like we just met. I am still all giddy about it. I can’t believe I have been keeping myself away from this man I am madly in love with for this long. He has been in the dog house sooo long, so he is just so fucking happy that I let him out. What an asshole I’ve been, Jesus. Today was the first day I had sex with him in years that I wasn’t fighting feelings of anger towards him as I was cumming. Do you know what a relief that is? OH. MI. GOD. Such a fucking relief. The craziest part about all of this, is I think Twitter is to thank for the shedding of my resentment layers. I have been gaining such a sense of self confidence from the awesome, funny folks on there and fans I have been gaining, I think it just helped me get back what I thought I had lost when those girls came in and knocked me off my pedestal. Twitter is reminding me that I am smart, funny, and beautiful, mainly because people tell me those three things all day long in messages and @ replies. Maybe a shrink would think getting cocky because of fans is not a healthy way to feel better about yourself, but I don’t really give a fuck. I have felt so down on myself for so long, I will take praises and reminders that I am cool from where ever I want. I know I should know those things about myself on my own, and I used to, but I lost touch with reality along the way because of heartbreak and jealousy. Feels good to get it back. So. So. Good.