I wrote an email to Vice Magazine today that I was so proud of, I thought I should share it with all of my Faux Ma fans. Check it out.
Hi There. I have no business emailing you important hipsters today, but a friend of mine has been riding my ass to contact ya’ll, so here I go. I realize this will probably not get read, but I am writing this with the same blind hope that I had on my Wedding day.
Some things you should know about me:
1.) I made the dean’s list every quarter in College and now I am a 29 year old broke wife on welfare with two kids.
2.) I used to be homeless. I had to bathe in Walmart restrooms, and everyone assumed I was a prostitute.
3.) I am a borderline-alcoholic nymphomaniac with anger issues, but I like to counsel troubled children as charitable work to feel better about myself.
4.) My Husband shits his pants a lot and writes music about it.
5. ) My Mom would have done a much better job than Faye Dunaway at playing Joan Crawford for “Mommie Dearest”.
6.) I like to write on a blog and tweet my little heart out. http://twitter.com/#!/Faux_Ma
Here are a few blog posts that you will not click on and read, because you are too busy and important to worry about gaining good Karma.
If you have read this email long enough to get to this sentence, God help you, and you should probably be fired. Since you are here, I will mention that my friend thought Vice could use my style of writing. She even proposed that you start a Parenting section of Vice, and allow me to rant in it. HILARIOUS, right?
Well, we all know you have plenty of important tasks to get back to, like sexually harassing interns or taking an enormous coffee-induced dump.
Contact me if you have any use for a person like me to help you make more money to send the kids you will never have to a nice College. Or do what I assume you will, and never read, answer, or reply to this, you selfish prick. J/K. BFF?