I’m Soo Charming

I wrote an email to Vice Magazine today that I was so proud of, I thought I should share it with all of my Faux Ma fans. Check it out.

Hi There. I have no business emailing you important hipsters today, but a friend of mine has been riding my ass to contact ya’ll, so here I go. I realize this will probably not get read, but I am writing this with the same blind hope that I had on my Wedding day.

Some things you should know about me:

1.) I made the dean’s list every quarter in College and now I am a 29 year old broke wife on welfare with two kids.

2.) I used to be homeless. I had to bathe in Walmart restrooms, and everyone assumed I was a prostitute.

3.) I am a borderline-alcoholic nymphomaniac with anger issues, but I like to counsel troubled children as charitable work to feel better about myself.

4.) My Husband shits his pants a lot and writes music about it.

5. ) My Mom would have done a much better job than Faye Dunaway at playing Joan Crawford for “Mommie Dearest”.

6.) I like to write on a blog and tweet my little heart out. http://twitter.com/#!/Faux_Ma

Here are a few blog posts that you will not click on and read, because you are too busy and important to worry about gaining good Karma.

Scandinavian Kiss

Horrifying Cleavage

Shit Baby

If you have read this email long enough to get to this sentence, God help you, and you should probably be fired. Since you are here, I will mention that my friend thought Vice could use my style of writing. She even proposed that you start a Parenting section of Vice, and allow me to rant in it. HILARIOUS, right?

Well, we all know you have plenty of important tasks to get back to, like sexually harassing interns or taking an enormous coffee-induced dump.

Contact me if you have any use for a person like me to help you make more money to send the kids you will never have to a nice College. Or do what I assume you will, and never read, answer, or reply to this, you selfish prick. J/K. BFF?




7 thoughts on “I’m Soo Charming

  1. This blog is hysterically true and sadly true at the same moment. It is pitiful how your gift for writing will remain unnoticed by the higher archy of magazine editors who think they know “quality”. You are the REAL DEAL! I love your blog, and really should pay more attention to my own, however my life is boring as fuck. 🙂

  2. Thanks gals. I really enjoy the encouragement I get on here and on twitter. Its like you sweethearts silence out all the noise of doubt and mocking I get and have always gotten from most people.

  3. That is fucking hilarious. The best/worst resume I’ve ever seen, holy shit, it’s pretty much a given that no one has ever written “I’m a borderline alcoholic-nymphomaniac with anger issues” on one before.

    • I love you a lot for this comment. That is sweet. No, the vice guy got back to me and bitch slapped me as hard as he could with his calloused brooklyn-air-raped hand. He did tell me he enjoyed “Shit Baby”, but said the rest “wasn’t very good”. I don’t care really, I have my own shit going on and I don’t feel like having a boss ever again. But I always enjoy looking for new ways to get attention, so it may have been fun if he digged my stuff. Oh well, I am just going to focus back on trying to get on Celebrity Apprentice.

      • What do they know anyway? Who the fuck cares about magazines? Ok, maybe a lot of people. But I’d rather read your stuff than Vice anyway.

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