Fond of Wax

I am really jealous of people with lots of ear wax.  My whole life, I have hardly produced any wax.  I would ask my Brothers to let me see their Q-Tips after they were done using them so I could admire the giant yellow, orange, red, and brown sludge slime all over the cotton tip.  When I use a Q-Tip, it comes out completely white.  The only thing it collects is moisture from the shower I just had.  It enrages me that I was not blessed with wax.  To compensate for my lack of wax, I must have subconsciously searched for waxy people.  Boys and Men seem to produce more wax then Women, but I have some guy friends that had less than impressive wax.  All of my relationships have been with heavy wax producers.  My Husband has by far the most wax of anyone I have ever met, I guess this is what they mean when the say “The One”.  His Q-Tips look like a moldy pineapple exploded all over them.

About once every 3 months his ear canal gets really clogged and he has to pull out the bulb syringe, because a simple old cotton stick can’t handle wax this big.  I get a front row seat…but I make sure to not stand too close for fear of some of the dirty, smelly wax water spraying on me.  That is the thing, while I love looking at it, I don’t want it to touch me, I don’t want to smell it, and I can’t look at it for longer than 30 seconds or I start to feel ill.  When he pumps bursts of water into the canal with his head tilted over the sink, giant clods of hardened wax scatter around the sink.  It looks like his ear is having a miscarriage; a miscarried wax baby.  I am always shocked blood doesn’t start spewing from his ear, because the visuals of this wax baby flowing from his ear seem as if they must be painful and abrasive.  I even wonder if it is particles of his brain breaking off, because the wax is so dark and sometimes red.  And brains are red, right?  This would explain so much about him, since he has so many mental illnesses.

I get mad at him if he betrays me and cleans his ears out when I am not at home or sleeping.  How could he?  He knows how much this means to me.  Luckily I have more people in my life nowadays to rely on for ear wax shows.  My Husband passed on his gift to our kids.  My almost 3 year old and 3.5 month old both have waxy ear canals.  Except theirs is extra soft and sticky, and honestly not up to my standards as far as satisfying wax.  When I clean their ears in the bath, because it is so soft, it usually just cleans all the way out just with water.  And when I try to clean their ears out with Q-Tips dry, the wax is so sticky that the cotton just gets pulled and stretched and the whole experience is messy and undesirable for both parties.  Hopefully they will grow up to produce harder wax.

Meanwhile, I will keep cleaning my ears out anxiously awaiting the day that my wax production is no longer incompetent.


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