Music Boner Syndrome: Part One

I have a medical condition.  It’s called, “Music Boner Syndrome”.  I get insanely, unreasonably, incredibly horny for anyone who I find to be musically talented.  Listening to music is like reading a porno magazine, and seeing a show live is like sex.  It has mainly been an issue with anyone who is singing songs that have to do with sex, love, lust, romance, and usually when there is a constant drumbeat going on in the background.  Synthesizers are often involved, but not always.  If the singer grunts, moans, closes his eyes hard like it hurts, makes fists a lot, bobs his head around a lot, bites his lip, its all over.  I may as well be a guy getting a hand job at this point.  It also happens with girl bands, there just aren’t many sexy girl bands around (anymore).  When I am in the height of the lust for the singer, or drummer, or guitarist, etc., I will often look around the room at a show to see if anyone else is suffering from this condition.  I really feel alone.  I look at people’s faces and they are blankly nodding along to the song, or they are enthusiastically dancing, but they don’t have that psycho, drooling, sweating, panting look that I have.

This started in middle school.  I went to my first “show” at a local arts barn with my super cooler, bigger boobed, non-virgin friend, Sara.  Whenever I hung out with her I made sure to wear a thong that I shoplifted from JCPenney (i stole it because my Mom wouldn’t buy me one), and I wore lots of makeup and made my hair all 80’s.  I always assumed at that age, that if you hang out with a girl who has had sex, guys will smell it on her and try to have sex with her so maybe they would try with me too.  At the show I made eyes like a maniac at the lead singer the whole time.  He looked flattered but freaked out because he was like, 30 and I was 13.

It just got worse with age.  I actually avoided going to shows in high school because it was too depressing to fall in love with all of these talented older guys, just to go home and get yelled at by my Mom for staying out too late.  When I got to College, my music interest shifted from alternative/indie rock to hip hop and r&b.  I was in Savannah in the early 2000’s so “the dirty south” hip hop scene was at its peak.  So the new music boner victims were mostly freestylers and DJ’s.  I had a good friend back then that was a hip hop DJ, and I had a hard time not crushing on him because of it.  If he would have just stopped being involved in music, I would have stopped having feelings…and painful boners; because we had nothing else in common besides that and he was a dick.  A nice friend dick-head, but not at all what I would want in a relationship.

This continued to plague me every night, so I decided to give up on the musical types and go for the opposite.  I dated an old dude that had no musical talents, and listened to french rap and blues.  That should explain it all.  I think I wanted to escape from the intense emotions and confusion I felt when I was around musicians.  Its like they could say the worst shit to me, cheat on me, lie, and be stupid, but once they got on stage I was putty in their hands.  I didn’t like how out of control it made me feel.  As much as everyone ragged on the old dude boyfriend..um, grandpafriend is a more appropriate name, he wasn’t so bad.  If you like raging abusive alcoholics who are awesome to party with until they hit their 80th “natty ice”, then he is the go-to guy.  He would have been an okay dude if it weren’t for that, because he had a big heart.  But I realized while I was in that long ass relationship that I needed to be with a musical genius because I just had to.  It was like my destiny or something.  I didn’t set out to find that, I just realized this music boner addiction wasn’t going away and one day I would stumble on the guy that reciprocated my boner relief.

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