I get excited about tragedies, initially. Like when I wake up in the morning, turn on the TV and discover that some horrible National tragedy took place. It feels like Christmas for my emotions. My emotions really enjoy being used, and they get bored when things are going along too evenly. When I woke up on the morning of September 11 to my roommates crying and covering their mouths in shock watching the television, my heart was like, “Yes! What is this? What do I get to feel today? Lots of emotion, lots of pain, lots of anger, lots of sadness! Yes! I was so bored! Now, look! My schedule is packed!” Of course, after the initial shock high wore off, I became very depressed and cried for days anytime I thought about the victims. But at the same time, I was kinda excited that I got to feel sadness. I felt this same way when family members have died, during health scares, in present danger, while being robbed, when my bones were broken, etc. All of these bad things give me a rush of excitement.
I’m not glad that people have to suffer, die, struggle, cry, scream in agony, lose family members, etc., but my first instinct upon hearing about these things, is pleasure, that I get to experience extreme emotions. I am pretty sure this is just human, and everyone feels like this to some degree. I’m getting a rush just typing knowing that I may be bothering someone out there reading this. I don’t feel dead inside, but rather very alive and happy despite postpartum hormonal issues. I think it’s pretty rare for people to be open about their negative qualities, especially those that make you vulnerable. Being perceived as a “bad person” makes most people feel this way. The tendency is to draw as much attention as possible away from their *true* dark side, hoping to win over peoples’ affection and acceptance.
I guess that is why I am so drawn to dark funny people who are uninterested in protecting their opinions from public knowledge and ridicule. My best friends are some of the most thoughtful people on the planet with things that truly matter, like having basic manners, helping out others even when it is inconvenient, and having empathy for others. But when it comes to pissing people off with their harmless, but brutally honest opinions and judgements, they will take your praise or leave it. I love that. I am so drawn to it. I married a man that is an expert at being so honest it makes you cringe. There is an art to it though. If you are bad at it, then you are just another run of the mill bully who thrives on hurting other’s feelings. But when you are an asshole artist, you say the truth and only hurt the ones who are too afraid to face it. I am surprised I wasn’t a goth girl in high school. This blog post is very gothy.