As a kid, I got in trouble even when I was sleeping. My Mom would come in to wake me up for school (age 7-10) and take my hand out of my pants. I felt that Al Bundy and I were kindred spirits, but my interest in Married With Children led my mom to place the show off limits.
I found a glass cigar tube in my dads’ trash can one day. It stayed under my mattress for 4 years. i didn’t clean it much or store any cigars in it. #BIOHAZZARD.
Almost every night, I struggle with whether I should read the bible or masturbate. I usually choose masturbation, but when I choose both, things just get weird, and all I think about is that I will go to hell. (former catholic). The most sad time that I masturbate is when I am sick. I have been so sick that I shit my pants, puked 100 times, looked like I had been dead for a week, barely any energy to take a sip of water, and I still masturbate. Sometimes when I go to masturbate, I accidentally fart. It will smell really horrible, and I fight through the smell so that I can get my masturbating out of the way before bed. If I don’t have sex with my Husband, or masturbate before bed, I have weird dreams and I don’t sleep well. Maybe this is an illness. But who cares. I am not hurting anyone. Well, I may be hurting my vagina. My vagina does hurt a lot when it gets a little out of hand. Was that a pun?