Al Bundy’s Vagina

As a kid, I got in trouble even when I was sleeping.  My Mom would come in to wake me up for school (age 7-10) and take my hand out of my pants.  I felt that Al Bundy and I were kindred spirits, but my interest in Married With Children led my mom to place the show off limits.

I found a glass cigar tube in my dads’ trash can one day.  It stayed under my mattress for 4 years.  i didn’t clean it much or store any cigars in it.  #BIOHAZZARD.

Almost every night, I struggle with whether I should read the bible or masturbate.  I usually choose masturbation, but when I choose both, things just get weird, and all I think about is that I will go to hell. (former catholic).  The most sad time that I masturbate is when I am sick.  I have been so sick that I shit my pants, puked 100 times, looked like I had been dead for a week, barely any energy to take a sip of water, and I still masturbate.  Sometimes when I go to masturbate, I accidentally fart.  It will smell really horrible, and I fight through the smell so that I can get my masturbating out of the way before bed.  If I don’t have sex with my Husband, or masturbate before bed, I have weird dreams and I don’t sleep well.  Maybe this is an illness.  But who cares.  I am not hurting anyone.  Well, I may be hurting my vagina.  My vagina does hurt a lot when it gets a little out of hand.  Was that a pun?

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