Guido Cowboys

What the hell is up with North Easterner’s getting all redneck out of nowhere?  I totally understand how a redneck would want to, and become all city like.  Maybe their Dad shot, skinned, and served up squirrel for dinner one too many times, or their Mom’s meth addiction and cat hoarding problem got so overwhelming that they were like, FUCK THIS, I am going yankee.  But the other way around?  That’s just weird.  I am not saying that Southerners suck or anything.  I mean, Fort Worth sucks, but all the other Southern/Western areas I have lived/visited seem just fine.  My thing is, it doesn’t seem like something one can adapt, naturally, without actually living in the South, and being engrained into the culture.  Anyone can adapt to NYC or any urban area.  It’s easy.  You just wear lots of black, talk on a cell phone a lot, and learn to cut out the shit and get straight to the point.  But to be Southern, you have to really fucking live it.  If you are a true redneck, then you have shoveled shit on the farm at 5 am every morning for the past 12 years, or baked cakes for the church every single Sunday.  You need to have scars from when Bubba, the family boar, attacked you on a camping trip gone awry.  You need to know how to shoot a shotgun, well.  You need to have an attraction for all things Nascar, and all things chewing Tobacco.  And if you are a true Southern Belle prissy and feisty miss thang from Tennessee, you need to have 10 sisters.  You need to have an unreasonable hankering to head to a chip ‘n’ dales after you have had one too many fuzzy navel shots.  You need to have lots of hairdryers and curlers.  You need to have a strange assortment of belts, hair accessories, pearls, and earrings on your dresser (with a hidden stash of bellybutton rings in your sock drawer).  You need to volunteer at the Church by day, and screw the town Reverend and his son by night.  You need to be super christian.  Same thing goes for bible belt guys, you need to be burly and brawny and go hunting.  You need to have had multiple fractures all over your body due to football tackle injuries.  You need to have a little boy haircut and shiny, sunburned skin, all year round.  You need to have framed sports jerseys and trophies swallowing up your parent’s home.   Southerner’s, whether they are from Georgia, Texas, or West Virginia, have earned and can relate to Country Music.  It is all about their upbringing on the farm, or their first kiss at the town fair, or how their tractor is shinier than Jeb’s tractor, or how women are hottest in their blue jeans and boots, or how honky tonkin just ain’t the same without Sheila Jane on your arm…my point is, this is their culture.  Not anyone else’s.  They earned this shit.  They earned that horrible music.  I don’t think you have to only listen to music that is only of your culture.  I mean, I grew up on the Connecticut Shoreline, and I like hip hop and rap, and I actually went through a pretty serious country music phase in High School.  But my big problem is when Yankees act like they grew up on the farm, and they “get” all the lyrics, as if they lived it.  No, no, no, NO!  You didn’t.  Yo u grew up in the tri-state area, and the most “country” you got was at the Durham Fair once a year, feeding caged pigs and cows as a kid.  Your Mom took you to basketball practice and football practice, but that was Northern sports, not Southern. Where the boys are on teams to feel more like Men and date the cheerleaders.  In the South, the boys are on teams because that is just how its done.  That’s what Pa wants, and they respect Pa, (and they want to fuck the cheerleaders too and/or each other).  In the Urban North East, we grow up learning about how to run a business, whether we realize it or not, we have to, we were right next to the financial capital of the world.  We grow up learning about American History, and appreciating what our grandparents or ancestors, the immigrants went through to get to Ellis Island.  We grew up learning how to cook, or at least how to throw a great party.  We did not grow up riding tractors, or attending tea parties in silly gowns and big hats.  So I get kinda bent out of shape when my people, the tri-state area-ers, act all country.  When you sport cowboy hats all. the. time. , and talk about going to Travis Tritt concerts.  When we are all headed for a fun road-trip to Cape Cod, Newport, or Martha’s Vineyard for some R&R and you say, “Oooh! Guys, I have an awesome car-ride mix of Toby Keith, George Strait, and Blake Shelton for our car ride!!”.   When you decide you are going to start saying “Ya’ll” when you are drunk, or when you meet someone who is in town from Alabama.  It just seems like YA’LL are not being authentic.  Where did this come from?  Unless you relocated to the northeast from the south, or you have multiple personality disorder, I am just not cool with all this culture swapping.  What ever happened to Frank Sinatra, Billy Joel, or Wu Tang Clan for road trips? A little Country music is one thing, but making it your whole identity?  Just friggin move to the South and stop shaming your poor old Italian Grandmother.  You are breaking her Guido heart.

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