So, I just expressed milk into a starbucks sink for the second time today. Today is the first day since my daughter was born 6 weeks ago, that I have actually been away from her. I needed “me” time. “Me” time involves writing on here and tweeting. That is a very 21st century kind of “me” time, don’t ya think? But I have these giant, veiny boulders on my chest that are leaking milk, and it makes me feel less human and more animal like. I feel like I should keep checking my neck for a leash. I should be covering these puppies up, but I like to dress semi-slutty, so my shirt is low cut and you can clearly see my tits from a mile away. I actually feel like I should apologize to anyone who stares at them, and I have caught a lot of stares today, because they look really gross. They are actually so engorged that the veins are now protruding, it kind of looks like there are 10 skinny blue rattle snakes trapped under my skin. And I am showing that shit off. WTF? When I went to express the milk, I grabbed my boob out of my bra, and it sprayed at about 60 mph all by itself without any squeezing. It is so sick. The mirror was covered in milk. If my milk were red, the bathroom would look like a crime scene. Don’t worry, I cleaned it up. Which was gross too. And I got a lot of my milk in my hair, and now I have a There’s Something About Mary type of thing going on. FYI: Breastmilk makes for a good adhesive, but bad hair gel. So the moral of this story is, nature bitch slaps a new mom who dares to attempt to take any time away from her newborn.