This is the first of what I assume will be many random rants about my Mother. You can tell I am about to be catty, since I wrote “Mother”. Ever notice how people say Mother when they are mad, Ma when they are slightly annoyed, Mom when they are neutral, and Mommy when they need therapy? So anyways, MOTHER does not appreciate sneezing. Especially not when my Dad sneezes. Here is how it goes, Dad gets worked up for a sneeze, Mom senses the sneezes coming, rolls her eyes, puts one hand on her hip, stares at my Dad with a death-witch-glare and proceeds to shake her head in disgust as he struggles through his sneezing fit. She usually yells out, “God! REALLY? or Maaarrrtyy! Stop! or sometimes even, “Shut the fuck up, Marty!” WHAT THE HELL, MOTHER?? He is sneezing, it’s not like he is yelling at a baby or swearing at the television during the Yankees game. He can’t help it. Have you ever held in a sneeze? It feels horrible. I have to do it a lot because I have little babies and when they sleep I try to be as quiet as possible. So I hold in my sneezes and it feels like the equivalent of what I imagine blue balls to feel like. It sucks. So why does she want to torture him? Why doesn’t she feel bad and rub his back, or run and get him a tissue? Do you want to know the shittiest thing about my MOTHER’S sneeze hating? She passed it on to me. Every time my husband sneezes I get pissed off AT HIM. WTF?? She totally ruined me and made me horrible. (not really, that’s dramatic) but in terms of becoming a sneeze-hating-nazi, mission accomplished, MOTHER. Seriously, when he sneezes I want to kick him in the balls. That is not normal. While I feel this way, I simultaneously realize I am a product of nazi-sneeze-hatred-brainwashing, and I know it is wrong. But it is so engrained into me, It will probably take years and years of expensive therapy to get rid of this problem. Luckily it is only spousal-sneeze-hating, and it does not happen when my children sneeze. I guess that is a little consolation. But who the hell wants to spend money on therapy for sneeze hating? Not me. Not that I have any money for therapy anyhow. But if I did I would probably spend it on talking about my laundry list a mile long of problems, and it terms of that list, sneeze-hating would be waaay down on the list. So I am figuring after talking out and resolving all my tons of bullshit with a shrink, we would be able to get to sneeze-hating by the time I am 65 years old, and by that time my shrink will probably have been dead for 10 years. So yeah, not happening. I will just have to keep doing what I am doing and literally bite my tongue or leave the room when my husband starts sneezing.
ps. i had to spell check the word tongue. i will never know how to spell that fucking word. its sad.